Anticipating dying I think might be worse than dying itself

I’ve been in a very rough patch the last couple of days, and I’m doing everything to hold it together, to pull through…I’ve been through a lot over the years, and I’ve come back from the edge countless times,

but there is something about right now that feels different than all those other times.

Like something inside me is finally winning, taking over all the times I’ve battled it back, and now it’s got a hold of me.

Of course I’m doing everything I can, and I mean everything, to hold on,

but the worse thing about being this sick with something strange, something that doesn’t make sense,

I’ve always learned there’s only so much that can be done.

I have no regrets. I’ve lived a very blessed life, and I’ve reached back from the abyss so many times I can’t complain when it finally takes me.

I’m proud of my son. Instead of leaving him when he was 2 years old, I was given the magical gift of life but a number of amazing doctors with an extraordinary support system him. I love you so much Mr Joseph J D, jr. Thank you for meeting me at the back of that movie theater so many years ago. It’s been an honor to be a part of your movie world family. There hasn’t been a day since we met that I have thought of you.

My son will be okay because I’m leaving him in good hands. I know he’s nervous, and I know he doesn’t feel ready for me to go, but no one is ever ready for moments like these, they just happen and become part of our story.

Now live your story, embrace it and dive full force into it. Learn from the mistakes of both your parents, and be kind to yourself when you make your own mistakes. Life is about growing and learning and taking risks, which means you’re going to make mistakes along the way too. Embrace them, they’re victory scars ❤️.

And please please please don’t hesitate to ask for your help with you need it — whether it’s school, or your personal life or work, or even if it’s just to get some steam off your chest. What makes the world a beautiful place is our capacity to love and help one another. Embrace it 🙂

When in doubt, trust your instincts. About yourself, and about others. Be kind and compassionate to others, but it doesn’t mean you have to get close to them either. Some people you have to keep at a distance, for whatever the reason, and sometimes some of these people will be blood related to you. Wish them well on their journey in life, but thankfully there’s enough room on this planet you don’t have to live with anyone whose not right for you. Sometimes it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just not working. Sometimes it will be your fault and you can’t fix it. Sometimes it will be forces out of your control. That’s ok.

Be thankful to the universe for the time you did spend with the people you love and care about, and the silver lining will always appear, when you least expect it.

Go get em Puppy ❤️👍💋

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This is you, Noah — article on Tiger knowing he was going to make a difficult putt

Reading this article reminds me of how I felt yesterday when Noah and I were standing by the green on the 7th hole, arguing about whether or not we agreed to count the 2nd hole as ‘par’ on not,

when I was starring at 3 beautiful tee shots all within a few feet of the green, making the argument feel totally ridiculous —

And I just looked at Noah,

“Noah, why are you arguing with me about whether or not I would count that close miss on hole 1 as a par — which I clearly said I would not, since you’re playing for something real today [unlimited gaming time] so you have to make a true par every time to count — but why are we wasting time arguing about this, when I’m standing here, staring at ***3*** beautiful tee shots — and I *know* FOR SURE — that you’re going to turn one of these balls into par right now on this hole, giving you your 3 pars for the course and thus you’ll win your night of gaming. SO STOP ARGUING WITH ME AND GO AND MAKE PAR.”

And sure enough,

the very first ball Noah chipped onto the green Noah turned into par —

Then he had it, by the 7th hole of the 9 hole course — his 3 pars ❤️.

(And he made another one on the 9th hole while he was at it 🙂

But what was important,

was that I had no doubt in my mind that Noah was going to make it.

I had watched Noah improve his chipping *dramatically* over the last week — even as the day itself progressed (we had played a different Par 3 course in the morning)— so with 3 beautiful balls lying near the green, I had no doubt Noah was going to turn at least one of those chip shots into the hole for par.

And then Noah did — and he made it look easy too. 😍💋

If anyone asks me one day, “since Noah started golfing so late in life at 16, at what point did you know he was going to become a professional golfer?”

instantly I would answer, “July 4, 2019”.

I knew Noah were going to make that chip shot, land the ball close to the pin, then sink it. I just knew it.

You have it Noah. Like the feeling I had when I was pregnant and knew you were smart — before you were even born — it’s a calm feeling, a feeling of knowing, of peaceful absolute certainty —

you have it for golf.

You just have to commit and play like you did on July 4th, 2019 — every day, for the rest of your life — long past when you care about whether or not you get to game at home for hours on end as a reward.

That is the way to play professional golf — complete commitment, focus, drive, and passion —

It’s only been 6 weeks of learning golf my dearest son, and you are growing leaps and bounds…like a ball rolling down hill, don’t think about it too much, and let it roll and roll and roll ❤️

Answer to How good a golfer was Tiger Woods? by Trent Hamilton
https://www.quora.com/How-good-a-golfer-was-Tiger-Woods/answer/Trent-Hamilton?ch=99&share=1c412d3e&srid=amSVA

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Watching Tiger Woods videos :)

To help Noah prepare mentally for the tournament tomorrow, we watched some tiger woods videos on YouTube.

I wanted Noah to see the mental focus and concentration of professional golfers — which is exactly what Noah demonstrated yesterday when gaming was on the line if he parred 3 holes — I’ve never seen him focus and concentrate that hard, and he made it — now that I’ve seen Noah do it, I wanted to show him that’s how he’s always supposed to approach the golf course — every single shot, with that laser focus and intensity.

So we were watching a video of different highlight shots,

and amazingly,

they showed a shot of Tiger Woods sinking a chip shot **exactly** like the chip shot Noah sunk the other day.

“See Noah, you can do that — you just made that exact same shot the other day —“

And what was even better,

Was there a clip of Tiger totally blowing a chip shot, the crowd murmurs, etc, then he turns around and has to chip it again, and sinks the second chip shot —

“Even the best golfers flub shots Noah — it happens all the time — the issue is how well you recover after you blow a shot. Do you give up, or use your frustration as fuel to do even better on your next shot?”

I could see a little light start to glow in Noah’s eyes ❤️👍. We’ll see how this year goes, the year of golf ❤️, but if Noah keeps improving at the rate he’s improving (he’s only been golfing for 6 weeks :), maybe he will get a college scholarship after all 😍 🤞.

(Or better 🙂

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Are my back X-ray results in yet?

My X-ray and ultrasound results still aren’t posted to my cs link account, which is a little strange because it’s never taken them this long to post results (I did the exams last Thursday!)

I did the back mri yesterday, so hopefully that will be in soon as well.

I hope you’re doing well 🙂 thanks again for everything ❤️.

Tara

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And I should add, Noah and I both agreed, what makes this all the more difficult, is that Luke actually beli eves he’s doing the right thing —

Noah and I both agreed, probably why Luke isn’t backing down — inspite of all the facts being in our side — is that in his head Luke actually believes he’s doing the right thing — as twisted as all of this is, it’s coming from a place of ‘fatherly love’ —

Kind of like the Christian who does whatever they want because Jesus is on their side,

Luke is not relenting because he’s deluded himself into thinking this is what’s best for Noah —

In a twisted way, Luke means well (in his own mind), but that’s why it’s going to take a court order. Time and time again Luke continues to dismiss Noahs needs or anything in Noahs life (and even insult me — the woman whose given Noah everything, including the gift of life — either subtly or not so subtly),

and the only way it’s going to stop this kind of warped psychological abuse is with a court order.

Thankfully, Noah is a very strong willed young man, who can think for himself. It’s going to carry him far in life. Noah sees through bullshit (in anyone), and that’s going going to help him a lot through the years in front of him. ❤️

As I told Noah tonight, the end is near — I see the light at the end of the tunnel, Noah is racing towards 18 — hopefully we can create a world where he can enjoy the remainder of his childhood, but even if we can’t, not to worry, the end of this madness is in sight 🙂

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You’ve got to read this — there is more to life than we understand ❤️

Answer to Have you ever caught your child doing something that shocked you? by Terri Echols
https://www.quora.com/Have-you-ever-caught-your-child-doing-something-that-shocked-you/answer/Terri-Echols-3?ch=99&share=1f527dca&srid=amSVA

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The FDA just approved a baby-saving drug that carries an obscene $2.1 million price tag

Noah,

You should read about this new drug — somewhere in the mechanism behind how this drug delivers the correct gene is the way to cure many different genetic disorders….including our own ❤️.

I know you’re going to figure it out one day. In a lab, with your friends, maybe even a big grant behind you,

but please never give up, because one day you will figure it out 🙂

Love,
Mom

https://www.yahoo.com/news/fda-just-approved-baby-saving-150454118.html

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