The night started as any other plane flight.

The night started as any other plane flight.

I was running behind. Throwing things into suitcases praying all essentials made it along for the trip. I ordered Uber eats, as a special ‘last meal’ for my distracted son and exhausted sister before heading to LAX.

At LAX, the line for cars picking up people at Arrivals was more of a parking lot than a moving line….‘note to self’…as I gratefully moved along in the departure lane.

Last minute hug to my friend for dropping me off, then off to gate 50B.

It was a full flight from LAX to Philadelphia, a packed red eye which heightens the unwanted opportunity of a sleep depriving noisemaker. The crying breath of new life or an anxious middle of the night ‘I’m so excited to be on a plane I want to chat and meet everyone’ to even an obnoxious snorer or too. A mini wish for a peaceful flight.

After take off, an hour into the journey everything was relatively quiet except a few whispers. The white fluffy service companion slept along with his owners and other than the odd pee break passenger,

it was an unremarkable flight.

But something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something didn’t feel right. Or sound right.

Every red eye I’ve ever taken, and until this point red eyes were my favorite flight so I’ve taken countless, an hour into a red eye I’m deep asleep. I’ve always timed my red eye flights to be super exhausted when I arrived at the airport, to help me slip into unconsciousness so I can experience the immediacy of the eyes closed/eyes open and you’re there phenomenon. Love that Star Trek blink transportation.

But I was awake. Listening to the passengers, listening to the sounds. Feeling the sway of the plane through the air.

Then quietly, flight attendants are mumbling back and forth through the aisles.

Then the pilots voice.

“So….well, I regret to inform you that we’re going to have to make a diversion.”

What was that aisle flicker?

“It looks like the plane is having…the plane is having a fuel capacity issue. [Ya, that’s it.] It looks like the plane might not have enough fuel to make it all the way to Philadelphia.”

Okay. I’ve flown hundreds of times. They always check the plane for fucking fuel. We ain’t flying across the entire country without a full tank of gas.

Is it secretly a medical emergency?

“I apologize for the inconvenience, I know most of you are scheduled for connecting flights in Philadphia, but I don’t feel comfortable flying this plane anymore.”

I don’t feel comfortable flying this plane anymore.

Was that a warning or a confession?

By now, most people had awaken from their light slumber,

(except the fucker on my left who was sleeping through everything)

and an eerie silence saturated the cabin.

The few middle of the night talkers were silent.

What the fuck?

So I immediately picked up my phone, switching off airplane mode and praying my middle of the night buddy was awake because I wanted some human connection.

Were we going down?

Bump. Sway. Cabin lights weird flickering again.

Descending down into the clouds threw a storm, up and down,

what the fuck is wrong with the plane that would be so bad the pilot is going to take us down through a storm to an airport in the middle of god knows nowhere?

Bump. Sway. Swish. Flicker.


I’ve never been so glad to hit the ground.

The eerie silence continued. The slumberer next to me dazed awake “philly?”

“We’re at Alburque International Airport. The regular maintenance crew isn’t available, so we’re going to have to call a contractor to come and look at the plane. For your convenience, we’re going to have everyone exit the plane where you’ll be more comfortable inside the gate.”

A collective nod rippled across the room.


As people deplaned,

I sat in my seat, waiting for most of the people to leave.

‘Not enough fuel to make it to philly?’ that’s got to be the worse excuse ever to make an emergency landing.

It felt more like the go to bullshit reason to land a plane in an emergency.

So I sat back, waiting for most people to leave,

And as I approached the door,

I noticed the cockpit was open. Instead of the pilots standing waving at everyone,

they were quietly hiding back in the room.


So I popped my head into the cockpit (is that legal?)

“Thanks for landing the plane safely.”

And I meant it.

The younger pilot on my left instantly jumped, excitedly, like he had just won a mini lottery,

“Oh, don’t thank me!! All the thanks for landing the plane safely goes to this gentleman!!” And he dramatically extended his arms like an award ceremony.

Holy fuck.

I look over at the hero pilot, a good looking man in his 40s, flush with blended adrenaline, confidence and sweat,

He nodded kindly at me,

“You’re welcome.”

We locked eyes. Instantly I knew not only had the problem been serious, it had been even worse than I thought when I was busy freaking out making my ‘I promise I’ll turn a new leaf’ declarations midflight,

and now locking eyes with that pilot I knew for sure it was even worse.

He was glowing and I know that glow. It’s the glow ER doctors have when they’ve just left a patient’s room where they worked some god like miracle that involved all of their training and skill and chutzpah in a saturated “every second counts” miracle. The kind of event they train for, but only the best of the best, only the really gifted for medicine pull off successfully.

And it feels good.

This pilot had that glow. And now that he knew that I knew it was that serious, and he knew (and appreciated) that I was grateful for the magic he just pulled out of a hat for all of us.

So I said it again, looking him squarely in the eyes,

“Thank you for landing the plane safely.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry I couldn’t land you into a more exciting city.”

Flirty smile?

His joke about the city reinforced like a firewall the seriousness of whatever had just happened.

I smiled in a ‘holy fucking shit’ appreciative chuckle, “no worries about the city. Thanks for bringing us down safely.”

And I bowed slightly, with all of the respect in the world for people who work miracles,

and walked alive in one piece through the tunnel to the deserted terminal opened solely for our rescue.

Once in the airport, which was empty except for us cuz it was closed —

Feeling the closed airport was like a cherry on the emergency sunday, we had to get down so quickly we’re at an empty airport —

Once safely inside, with the shock wearing off (much faster for the ignorant, who had no idea of the brush we just had with a real disaster), but soon the mumbling started…the bitching about missing connection flights…the worried questions about belongings that never would have even thought twice about in the afterlife…

And one guy started bitching louder than others, his voice rising above,

an entitled asshole consumed with his own inconvenience,

“I have NO IDEA why the pilot landed us in New Mexico. He should have taken us to DALLAS where there are MORE FLIGHTS. This doesn’t make any sense. I can’t believe this…”

Now, I’ve been around the block enough to speculate pilots are probably a little like ER doctors, in that they accept most people don’t appreciate the magic they do, especially the magic they do behind the scenes that most people don’t see. Like ER doctors, pilots don’t expect people to appreciate them. They didn’t go into their business for accolades or personal attention, otherwise they would have become actors. They got into their profession for the love of their profession, and for the best for them maybe even moments like this.

So I can only take so much shit about them, especially since I knew for sure that something incredible had just happened, an incredible I can’t fully appreciate because I don’t have the knowledge but I’m as sure as hell grateful I lived through it—

Even though they don’t need me sticking up for them, I had to yell out, loudly, so the 50+ passengers in the near vicinity of where I was sitting could hear me,

“Look—clearly the pilot landed the plane in Albuquerque because there was a serious problem with the plane, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. The pilot made a judgement call for our safety, and clearly as we are all standing here it was the right call.”

In their sleep deprived haze, a few people turned to me, ‘who is this little know it all beech?’ or ‘ya ya ya, whatever’ or ‘hmmm…she might be right’.

As this arrogant snot debated a response,

Announcement: “maintenance has arrived to check over the plane. If the plane is approved to continue on with the flight, we’ll reboard after the inspection.”

I knew that wasn’t happening.

I knew for sure from my conversation with the pilots that this plane wasn’t going anywhere but the airplane operating room.

However, however people became a little optimistic. Smart. Dosing the crowd up with hope got most people to settle down and shut up.

Of the 150 people on the flight, I was one of about ten people to get in line with the one gate attendant. While the others rested with their optimism of a continued flight in the near future, a couple of us knew our future with this plane was over and it was going to be time to figure out a plan B.


An hour later confirmed “we’re sorry to announce, after maintenance inspected the plane, we’re going to have to bring in a rescue flight to take you to philadelphia.”

Rescue flight?? They seriously have to use that terminology??

I’m going home. I need hug Noah. I need to hug my bratty little sister. I need to hug Grampa Joe. I need to hug my doctor Dr. Sherman. I need to hug the people who make life worth living, the people who literally make my life possible, the people who live and work tireless to help me stay on the planet.

Do I thank them enough?

I don’t want to do anything until I hug them.

Eventually I’ll be ready to get back on a plane again. I know the statistics and the odds of that this night happening again are small. I’ve been flying for years since I was a baby and had never lived through something like this.

Touchdown Los Angeles.

I just made it. I’m here, I’m back.

There’s no place like home ❤️.

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Platelet issue

Platelet Count Your ValueEDTA PLATELET CLUMPING PHENOMENA NOTED 1000/UL Standard Range150 – 450 1000/UL
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Anticipating dying I think might be worse than dying itself

I’ve been in a very rough patch the last couple of days, and I’m doing everything to hold it together, to pull through…I’ve been through a lot over the years, and I’ve come back from the edge countless times,

but there is something about right now that feels different than all those other times.

Like something inside me is finally winning, taking over all the times I’ve battled it back, and now it’s got a hold of me.

Of course I’m doing everything I can, and I mean everything, to hold on,

but the worse thing about being this sick with something strange, something that doesn’t make sense,

I’ve always learned there’s only so much that can be done.

I have no regrets. I’ve lived a very blessed life, and I’ve reached back from the abyss so many times I can’t complain when it finally takes me.

I’m proud of my son. Instead of leaving him when he was 2 years old, I was given the magical gift of life but a number of amazing doctors with an extraordinary support system him. I love you so much Mr Joseph J D, jr. Thank you for meeting me at the back of that movie theater so many years ago. It’s been an honor to be a part of your movie world family. There hasn’t been a day since we met that I have thought of you.

My son will be okay because I’m leaving him in good hands. I know he’s nervous, and I know he doesn’t feel ready for me to go, but no one is ever ready for moments like these, they just happen and become part of our story.

Now live your story, embrace it and dive full force into it. Learn from the mistakes of both your parents, and be kind to yourself when you make your own mistakes. Life is about growing and learning and taking risks, which means you’re going to make mistakes along the way too. Embrace them, they’re victory scars ❤️.

And please please please don’t hesitate to ask for your help with you need it — whether it’s school, or your personal life or work, or even if it’s just to get some steam off your chest. What makes the world a beautiful place is our capacity to love and help one another. Embrace it 🙂

When in doubt, trust your instincts. About yourself, and about others. Be kind and compassionate to others, but it doesn’t mean you have to get close to them either. Some people you have to keep at a distance, for whatever the reason, and sometimes some of these people will be blood related to you. Wish them well on their journey in life, but thankfully there’s enough room on this planet you don’t have to live with anyone whose not right for you. Sometimes it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just not working. Sometimes it will be your fault and you can’t fix it. Sometimes it will be forces out of your control. That’s ok.

Be thankful to the universe for the time you did spend with the people you love and care about, and the silver lining will always appear, when you least expect it.

Go get em Puppy ❤️👍💋

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This is you, Noah — article on Tiger knowing he was going to make a difficult putt

Reading this article reminds me of how I felt yesterday when Noah and I were standing by the green on the 7th hole, arguing about whether or not we agreed to count the 2nd hole as ‘par’ on not,

when I was starring at 3 beautiful tee shots all within a few feet of the green, making the argument feel totally ridiculous —

And I just looked at Noah,

“Noah, why are you arguing with me about whether or not I would count that close miss on hole 1 as a par — which I clearly said I would not, since you’re playing for something real today [unlimited gaming time] so you have to make a true par every time to count — but why are we wasting time arguing about this, when I’m standing here, staring at ***3*** beautiful tee shots — and I *know* FOR SURE — that you’re going to turn one of these balls into par right now on this hole, giving you your 3 pars for the course and thus you’ll win your night of gaming. SO STOP ARGUING WITH ME AND GO AND MAKE PAR.”

And sure enough,

the very first ball Noah chipped onto the green Noah turned into par —

Then he had it, by the 7th hole of the 9 hole course — his 3 pars ❤️.

(And he made another one on the 9th hole while he was at it 🙂

But what was important,

was that I had no doubt in my mind that Noah was going to make it.

I had watched Noah improve his chipping *dramatically* over the last week — even as the day itself progressed (we had played a different Par 3 course in the morning)— so with 3 beautiful balls lying near the green, I had no doubt Noah was going to turn at least one of those chip shots into the hole for par.

And then Noah did — and he made it look easy too. 😍💋

If anyone asks me one day, “since Noah started golfing so late in life at 16, at what point did you know he was going to become a professional golfer?”

instantly I would answer, “July 4, 2019”.

I knew Noah were going to make that chip shot, land the ball close to the pin, then sink it. I just knew it.

You have it Noah. Like the feeling I had when I was pregnant and knew you were smart — before you were even born — it’s a calm feeling, a feeling of knowing, of peaceful absolute certainty —

you have it for golf.

You just have to commit and play like you did on July 4th, 2019 — every day, for the rest of your life — long past when you care about whether or not you get to game at home for hours on end as a reward.

That is the way to play professional golf — complete commitment, focus, drive, and passion —

It’s only been 6 weeks of learning golf my dearest son, and you are growing leaps and bounds…like a ball rolling down hill, don’t think about it too much, and let it roll and roll and roll ❤️

Answer to How good a golfer was Tiger Woods? by Trent Hamilton

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Watching Tiger Woods videos :)

To help Noah prepare mentally for the tournament tomorrow, we watched some tiger woods videos on YouTube.

I wanted Noah to see the mental focus and concentration of professional golfers — which is exactly what Noah demonstrated yesterday when gaming was on the line if he parred 3 holes — I’ve never seen him focus and concentrate that hard, and he made it — now that I’ve seen Noah do it, I wanted to show him that’s how he’s always supposed to approach the golf course — every single shot, with that laser focus and intensity.

So we were watching a video of different highlight shots,

and amazingly,

they showed a shot of Tiger Woods sinking a chip shot **exactly** like the chip shot Noah sunk the other day.

“See Noah, you can do that — you just made that exact same shot the other day —“

And what was even better,

Was there a clip of Tiger totally blowing a chip shot, the crowd murmurs, etc, then he turns around and has to chip it again, and sinks the second chip shot —

“Even the best golfers flub shots Noah — it happens all the time — the issue is how well you recover after you blow a shot. Do you give up, or use your frustration as fuel to do even better on your next shot?”

I could see a little light start to glow in Noah’s eyes ❤️👍. We’ll see how this year goes, the year of golf ❤️, but if Noah keeps improving at the rate he’s improving (he’s only been golfing for 6 weeks :), maybe he will get a college scholarship after all 😍 🤞.

(Or better 🙂

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Are my back X-ray results in yet?

My X-ray and ultrasound results still aren’t posted to my cs link account, which is a little strange because it’s never taken them this long to post results (I did the exams last Thursday!)

I did the back mri yesterday, so hopefully that will be in soon as well.

I hope you’re doing well 🙂 thanks again for everything ❤️.


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And I should add, Noah and I both agreed, what makes this all the more difficult, is that Luke actually beli eves he’s doing the right thing —

Noah and I both agreed, probably why Luke isn’t backing down — inspite of all the facts being in our side — is that in his head Luke actually believes he’s doing the right thing — as twisted as all of this is, it’s coming from a place of ‘fatherly love’ —

Kind of like the Christian who does whatever they want because Jesus is on their side,

Luke is not relenting because he’s deluded himself into thinking this is what’s best for Noah —

In a twisted way, Luke means well (in his own mind), but that’s why it’s going to take a court order. Time and time again Luke continues to dismiss Noahs needs or anything in Noahs life (and even insult me — the woman whose given Noah everything, including the gift of life — either subtly or not so subtly),

and the only way it’s going to stop this kind of warped psychological abuse is with a court order.

Thankfully, Noah is a very strong willed young man, who can think for himself. It’s going to carry him far in life. Noah sees through bullshit (in anyone), and that’s going going to help him a lot through the years in front of him. ❤️

As I told Noah tonight, the end is near — I see the light at the end of the tunnel, Noah is racing towards 18 — hopefully we can create a world where he can enjoy the remainder of his childhood, but even if we can’t, not to worry, the end of this madness is in sight 🙂

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