It’s like that old saying, when it rains it pours….and this month has just been one bad thing after another, all rolled up into one.

Losing my significant other, the person I trusted to carry me through rough times if needed, was definitely the hardest part. I trusted him so much, and he just broke my heart in ways I can’t describe.

I just emailed my son’s godfather, the person who is responsible for my being on the planet…my options are so limited.

And I feel like I’m running out of time..

Begin forwarded message:

From: Tara
Date: May 26, 2013 11:40:51 PM PDT
To: Grampa Joe
Subject: I am so stressed out

My entire body hurts…it’s like I can feel every joint in my body…

When I spoke with disability/Medicare, they said it takes two years from the point at which you’re approve for disability (and they said most people don’t get approved the first time). During those two years, cobra is the premium cost +10%..

I figured I should try to find a husband (right??) so I went on match.com, and it turns out that is $39.99 for a month, so that’s just going to have to wait…all of these dating websites have gotten a lot more expensive…

I keep trying to remind myself of what you said, that panic gets us no where, but I feel so much like I’m trapped into this horrible cage…my options are so limited.

I’ve had two really nice conversations with men by the pool this weekend, (both of whom are already married! :(, but I figure it’s good practice…my problem is, I keep being too open too fast…it’s just my nature to say what’s on my mind…I could tell by the time i was done talking, both of these guys were like ‘geezus, she has a lot of problems’.

One of the guys was ironically named Joe…he’s from Michigan, which was a little ironic. We met at the party David insisted on crashing tonight. David actually came and dragged me out of the apartment to come to the party ‘they’re making s’mores mommy!’

I can tell David is worried about me…his love for me is so genuine, it brings tears to my eyes. It never has occurred to David why someone wouldn’t love me, even with all of my health problems. David has only known me to be sick, so he doesn’t think it’s any kind of barrier to love…children are so sweet, in that regard…

I probably should go hear what these doctors in Canada have to say this summer…just hear them out. If there is no option for me but to stay in Los Angeles with private insurance, then I really have to move as fast as possible to find a husband with insurance, to take some of the pressure off…

Is that even possible?

I really loved Peter a lot, and I trusted him with all of my heart…I got sick again, plus the pressure starting to turn up, then throw in his friend moving out here (who wanted to come and live with him), and it was just the perfect storm…I guess he never would have stuck it through hard times if he jumped shipped under these circumstances. I guess he never intended to stick around if I was thrown out in the street. Maybe it’s best I learned this now, while I still have time to regroup…

I still can’t believe what he did…