I got up and walked around the hospital for the first time since I’ve been here…I figured I needed to test myself before I’m thrown back on my own at home. Just so I know where I’m at.

So I was in the elevator heading down to PL, and there was a woman crying, standing next to an older woman. The woman was sobbing so hard, I had to ask her if she was ok. It’s really a dumb question, but I really didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say nothing.

Then she blurted out her father was dying. It sounded like it was something sudden and unexpected, perhaps maybe a stroke. Or he could just be coming to the end. I can’t imagine it’s ever is easy to face the end.

So I get off the elevator, go to the ATM, then get back on the elevator to finish my descent to the cafeteria below.

This time, on the elevator is a man in his late 30s or early 40s, and he was standing wearing a hospital wrist band. He wasn’t in a gown. While he looked exhausted, he didn’t look sick. (I know I don’t look sick, so I’m sensitive about that), but I could just tell he wasn’t sick.

I broke the silence–“You just had a baby, didn’t you.”

He instantly perked up, like a super proud papa full of life’s beautiful expectations,

“yes I did, thank you!”

He seemed a little surprised I just came out with that, but the elevator ride from PL to the street level is so short, I didn’t even have a chance to explain.

The CP who was walking with me to the cafeteria seemed impressed I put all of that together so fast. I’ve just spent a lot of time around the hospital. It was the only thing that made sense.

The beginning and end of life, in one short little journey…and here I am, stuck in the middle…

But I’m so grateful to be in the middle. I’m happy to still be in the game. As miserable as I am right now (and I am miserable), and as scared as I am for what’s going to happen to me when I get home (and I am scared), I’m so grateful to still have my hat in the ring…

Thankfully, I live in a great place, which eases some of the burden. There is a front desk staff, and they handle my medication delivers well. They just can’t run errands for me or take me to doctor’s appointments. I have to find other help for that.

Now time for the pain killers. It was a rough walk, I’m much weaker than I thought. I think I’ve been laying down for too long. This pain in my chest is excruciating. Everyone tells me it’s just going to take a few weeks to heal.

Thank God for pain killers…I usually only take them after surgeries. This is the first time I’ve really needed them, all of the time…