Beginning and end of life in one elevator trip

I got up and walked around the hospital for the first time since I’ve been here…I figured I needed to test myself before I’m thrown back on my own at home. Just so I know where I’m at.

So I was in the elevator heading down to PL, and there was a woman crying, standing next to an older woman. The woman was sobbing so hard, I had to ask her if she was ok. It’s really a dumb question, but I really didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say nothing.

Then she blurted out her father was dying. It sounded like it was something sudden and unexpected, perhaps maybe a stroke. Or he could just be coming to the end. I can’t imagine it’s ever is easy to face the end.

So I get off the elevator, go to the ATM, then get back on the elevator to finish my descent to the cafeteria below.

This time, on the elevator is a man in his late 30s or early 40s, and he was standing wearing a hospital wrist band. He wasn’t in a gown. While he looked exhausted, he didn’t look sick. (I know I don’t look sick, so I’m sensitive about that), but I could just tell he wasn’t sick.

I broke the silence–“You just had a baby, didn’t you.”

He instantly perked up, like a super proud papa full of life’s beautiful expectations,

“yes I did, thank you!”

He seemed a little surprised I just came out with that, but the elevator ride from PL to the street level is so short, I didn’t even have a chance to explain.

The CP who was walking with me to the cafeteria seemed impressed I put all of that together so fast. I’ve just spent a lot of time around the hospital. It was the only thing that made sense.

The beginning and end of life, in one short little journey…and here I am, stuck in the middle…

But I’m so grateful to be in the middle. I’m happy to still be in the game. As miserable as I am right now (and I am miserable), and as scared as I am for what’s going to happen to me when I get home (and I am scared), I’m so grateful to still have my hat in the ring…

Thankfully, I live in a great place, which eases some of the burden. There is a front desk staff, and they handle my medication delivers well. They just can’t run errands for me or take me to doctor’s appointments. I have to find other help for that.

Now time for the pain killers. It was a rough walk, I’m much weaker than I thought. I think I’ve been laying down for too long. This pain in my chest is excruciating. Everyone tells me it’s just going to take a few weeks to heal.

Thank God for pain killers…I usually only take them after surgeries. This is the first time I’ve really needed them, all of the time…

About hopeforanswers

Some kind of rare immune deficiency, yet to be determined. A lifetime of infections without an elevated white cell blood or fever. Very grateful to be alive, very thankful for the friends who’ve supported me and for access to literally millions of dollars worth of medical care. I’m not the bubble child, I’m somewhere in between.
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