I keep having dreams there’s no hope

I keep having dreams there’s no hope. First dream (a few weeks ago), you told me never to mention his name again in your office (I was too embarrassed to talk about it.) The second dream (just a few minutes ago—I just drifted to sleep and then had this super vivid dream—),

I was pleading my case to wife (Jodie—weird I know—), I was trying to explain how rare my case is and how there simply isn’t another doctor who is willing to help me get the answer (and god knows I’ve tried to find one).

In the dream she listened with a ‘I don’t like you and I ‘don’t have time for this’ kind of face, but I felt she had a tinge of compassion even though she didn’t want to give me any.

This is what I took away from the dream: even if I’m right, and once upon a time he did care, and once upon he did think about me—and in the dream I even pointed out the phone call in 2011–

but what I got from the dream is that his entire inner circle doesn’t want him to help me, so even if let’s say he thinks about it from time to time, that wall is too strong.

They didn’t go to medical school, so they definitely don’t care about weird cases and they sure as fuck cant understand why there isn’t there isn’t another doctor because unless you’ve lived with a rare disorder, there is no way to understand the hell patients like me go through and how rare it is to find any doctor willing to help us.

So such that it is…

And even weirder about this dream? Peter said I was asleep for only a few minutes. I think the same episode of Blue Bloods was even still on (my new favorite show), but the dream was so clear…felt like an hour…

I pleaded my situation…my son…”will you please talk to him on my behalf?? Please?’

And such as it is.

You know I’m not going to live through this neck infection. Dr. Pitchon is starting to think the infection is gone (he didn’t say it but that’s what I’m sensing), but he’s wrong— it’s still there.

What that tells me, is that it means if all of Dr. Pitchon’s years of experience tells him that this infection should be gone by now — and I know for sure that it isn’t —

That means this is the one.

That’s why im so desperate to try and get this business set up for Noah as fast as I can…trying to get the framework built, so Noah can come home from school, make products, send them to Amazon, etc…the hard part is getting it all started…

Perhaps the dream was my last plea too. Perhaps the dream was just there to remind me his life is so different from mine sometimes I forget a strong support system is a double edged sword…you have to make decisions to make them happy too…since I’ve never really had that kind of family support, I often forget there’s that side of it too…

Thanks for everything.

Tara

About hopeforanswers

Some kind of rare immune deficiency, yet to be determined. A lifetime of infections without an elevated white cell blood or fever. Very grateful to be alive, very thankful for the friends who’ve supported me and for access to literally millions of dollars worth of medical care. I’m not the bubble child, I’m somewhere in between.
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