So I was watching ‘The Blacklist’…a fairly entertaining show that I’m mostly drawn to because of the relationship between the two lead characters, Agent Elizabeth Keen and Raymond Reddington, whose dynamic echoed my relationship with my own father…

I’m in a fairly boring sequence of episodes, just half paying attention hoping the show is going to get interesting again (end of season 3/early season 4),

And all of a sudden this song comes on that just grabs my heart —

I mean,

This song just rips at my soul and instantly brings me back to being a little girl with my father,

(who loved music),

And I can’t remember where or why or how his song is ripping at my heart so hard —

So I Shazam the song, while it’s playing through the visual montage at the end of an episode, and sure enough, it’s

“If you could read my mind” by Gordon Lightfoot—

Gordon Lightfoot…Gordon Lightfoot…

That name is ringing major bells—

Did I meet him when I was little, from my father’s music business days in Ottawa?

So I google him — greatest Canadian songwriter — okay, check, but that isn’t it —

What is it about him that screams such a bell into my soul?

And you know who I want so desperately to call and ask?

My father of course. And I can’t. (Though I may be able to ask him myself soon enough if my health doesn’t improve soon.)

And with one stroke, I felt this gutting, like a punch in my stomach, of how much I miss my father. How much I want to talk to him about so many things.

How much I want to apologize for letting go of the gift he left behind for me, that I understand why it was so important but I just couldn’t get it together in time…though I know he would understand…

This neck infection is gonna kill me. I’m trying my best to ward it off, but it’s as raw and sore as the days after the surgery.

Now I’m just trying to stay afloat as long as I can…the best I can…

But this song…at the end of Season 4, episode 2…out of nowhere just brought me to my knees…

And I can’t remember…I can’t remember why…I must have heard it a lot when I was a kid, my parents must have played it when they were still together…

Since my father controlled the music scene in Ottawa in the late 1960s/1970s, maybe I met him…maybe I met Gordon Lightfoot at some point…many musicians remember my father from back in those days…the absolutely brilliant but ruthless music manager who booked every major act in Ottawa for over a decade…

Until he got too sick…the part of the story that no one else understands but me…the tragic part of the story that his friends assume was just falling to booze and cocaine, when he was actually stumbling from chronic pain and debilitating health problems…

I wonder what people who knew me from bald in the day think of me…what were the reasons for my downfall….motherhood? Depression? Laziness? as my reasons for falling apart?

I miss you so much Paw. Thanks for holding on as long as you did, I know it was lonely and painful for many years,

But you were an essential part of the story in my quest to build a better life for Noah, a life that doesn’t get crippled by debilitating health problems,

And you staying alive all those years in spite of all of this pain and frustration gave us pieces of the puzzle I’m able to leave behind for Noah—

And I will be eternally grateful…