Anticipating dying I think might be worse than dying itself

I’ve been in a very rough patch the last couple of days, and I’m doing everything to hold it together, to pull through…I’ve been through a lot over the years, and I’ve come back from the edge countless times,

but there is something about right now that feels different than all those other times.

Like something inside me is finally winning, taking over all the times I’ve battled it back, and now it’s got a hold of me.

Of course I’m doing everything I can, and I mean everything, to hold on,

but the worse thing about being this sick with something strange, something that doesn’t make sense,

I’ve always learned there’s only so much that can be done.

I have no regrets. I’ve lived a very blessed life, and I’ve reached back from the abyss so many times I can’t complain when it finally takes me.

I’m proud of my son. Instead of leaving him when he was 2 years old, I was given the magical gift of life but a number of amazing doctors with an extraordinary support system him. I love you so much Mr Joseph J D, jr. Thank you for meeting me at the back of that movie theater so many years ago. It’s been an honor to be a part of your movie world family. There hasn’t been a day since we met that I have thought of you.

My son will be okay because I’m leaving him in good hands. I know he’s nervous, and I know he doesn’t feel ready for me to go, but no one is ever ready for moments like these, they just happen and become part of our story.

Now live your story, embrace it and dive full force into it. Learn from the mistakes of both your parents, and be kind to yourself when you make your own mistakes. Life is about growing and learning and taking risks, which means you’re going to make mistakes along the way too. Embrace them, they’re victory scars ❤️.

And please please please don’t hesitate to ask for your help with you need it — whether it’s school, or your personal life or work, or even if it’s just to get some steam off your chest. What makes the world a beautiful place is our capacity to love and help one another. Embrace it 🙂

When in doubt, trust your instincts. About yourself, and about others. Be kind and compassionate to others, but it doesn’t mean you have to get close to them either. Some people you have to keep at a distance, for whatever the reason, and sometimes some of these people will be blood related to you. Wish them well on their journey in life, but thankfully there’s enough room on this planet you don’t have to live with anyone whose not right for you. Sometimes it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just not working. Sometimes it will be your fault and you can’t fix it. Sometimes it will be forces out of your control. That’s ok.

Be thankful to the universe for the time you did spend with the people you love and care about, and the silver lining will always appear, when you least expect it.

Go get em Puppy ❤️👍💋

About hopeforanswers

Some kind of rare immune deficiency, yet to be determined. A lifetime of infections without an elevated white cell blood or fever. Very grateful to be alive, very thankful for the friends who’ve supported me and for access to literally millions of dollars worth of medical care. I’m not the bubble child, I’m somewhere in between.
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