One thing I’ve learned the last few weeks, is that I play poker **dramatically** better when I’m really really tired…

Seth has been pushing me to keep playing long past I normally would ever play (because he’s not ready to leave yet),

and every single time he’s done that I’ve actually gone on big winning streaks and made some amazing calls on people’s hands…I’ve shocked the shit out of people…

It’s become so undeniable, on the way home Seth brought it up and he thinks it’s because I get so tired I don’t have the energy to second guess myself…he’s probably right…

I normally don’t play much poker…I’ve made money here and there over the years but not like these extreme fatigue sessions when I’ve crushed the entire table–

Last night I kept begging Seth to leave I was so tired and I didn’t want to get an Uber to leave myself because I didn’t want to be followed with money then I kept winning more money which made me really not want to leave by myself so it became this tortuous and brutal cycle–

(Which finally ended when Seth felted one too many times and was finally ready to leave…Seth kept losing of course and I could tell he was going to keep losing because he was playing a lot worse than he was admitting to himself, so I knew the losses were going to continue which was part of the reason I wanted to go and i was siting there winning more and more…talk about bugging him…it’s starting to become an issue between us…poker is his thing and even though it’s how we met originally 14 or 15 years ago (he worked at the Palazzo so he went to the weekly poker game), I can tell he feels poker’s something he’s better at then me but it’s becoming clear that might not be the case…)

I keep trying to attribute my winnings to luck…’you’re running so bad/wow you got so unlucky’

Through these cycles of misery, it’s become undeniably apparent I play my best when I’m so tired I can barely see straight and I’m about to pass out..so weird…I’m feeling so fucking awful right now there’s no way I’m going to do this to myself anymore tho…I can’t keep doing this to myself…I literally thought I could kill myself behaving this way, my health isn’t the best on a good day, this is pushing me too much…

I wonder about the biology of the mind behind this sleep deprived decision making process though…maybe I just need to take a Valium sometimes to relax, to slow my brain down…over the last few weeks (since i was fully vaccinated :), I’ve literally had 4 or 5 of these crushing fatigue late night sessions,

so it’s very apparent this poker playing better intensely sleep deprived isn’t an accident or a one time thing…

I wonder…playing exceptionally when I’m stone cold tired…

There’s got to be a biological explanation…maybe the fatigue is overriding any anxiety I normally experience? I’m too tired to doubt myself…too tired to care? (?)