Noah taking care of my stitches ❤️

Noah is doing a great job helping me with my stitches for where they cut out the Squamous cell on my scalp, he’s going to be such a great doctor one day. 🥰🤪

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Got my scalp stitches in today!

I’m currently batting my second bout with Squamous Cell, this time on my scalp.

Skin cancer is one of the crazier cancers in that if it’s caught early, it’s really not a big deal, they cut it out and it’s done.

I was definitely a little inspired meeting the Uber driver with the obviously melanoma to check out some of my bumps, I’m glad I got them looked at…

Being concerned for him might have saved my life. ❤️

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I play poker **incredibly** well when I’m really really tired

One thing I’ve learned the last few weeks, is that I play poker **dramatically** better when I’m really really tired…

Seth has been pushing me to keep playing long past I normally would ever play (because he’s not ready to leave yet),

and every single time he’s done that I’ve actually gone on big winning streaks and made some amazing calls on people’s hands…I’ve shocked the shit out of people…

It’s become so undeniable, on the way home Seth brought it up and he thinks it’s because I get so tired I don’t have the energy to second guess myself…he’s probably right…

I normally don’t play much poker…I’ve made money here and there over the years but not like these extreme fatigue sessions when I’ve crushed the entire table–

Last night I kept begging Seth to leave I was so tired and I didn’t want to get an Uber to leave myself because I didn’t want to be followed with money then I kept winning more money which made me really not want to leave by myself so it became this tortuous and brutal cycle–

(Which finally ended when Seth felted one too many times and was finally ready to leave…Seth kept losing of course and I could tell he was going to keep losing because he was playing a lot worse than he was admitting to himself, so I knew the losses were going to continue which was part of the reason I wanted to go and i was siting there winning more and more…talk about bugging him…it’s starting to become an issue between us…poker is his thing and even though it’s how we met originally 14 or 15 years ago (he worked at the Palazzo so he went to the weekly poker game), I can tell he feels poker’s something he’s better at then me but it’s becoming clear that might not be the case…)

I keep trying to attribute my winnings to luck…’you’re running so bad/wow you got so unlucky’

Through these cycles of misery, it’s become undeniably apparent I play my best when I’m so tired I can barely see straight and I’m about to pass weird…I’m feeling so fucking awful right now there’s no way I’m going to do this to myself anymore tho…I can’t keep doing this to myself…I literally thought I could kill myself behaving this way, my health isn’t the best on a good day, this is pushing me too much…

I wonder about the biology of the mind behind this sleep deprived decision making process though…maybe I just need to take a Valium sometimes to relax, to slow my brain down…over the last few weeks (since i was fully vaccinated :), I’ve literally had 4 or 5 of these crushing fatigue late night sessions,

so it’s very apparent this poker playing better intensely sleep deprived isn’t an accident or a one time thing…

I wonder…playing exceptionally when I’m stone cold tired…

There’s got to be a biological explanation…maybe the fatigue is overriding any anxiety I normally experience? I’m too tired to doubt myself…too tired to care? (?)

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Chimp has emotional reunion with caretakers who saved him as a baby: ‘Years may pass, but the love is always there’

No one forgets the person who saved their life ❤️🥰💋.

We love you so much Mr. Joseph Dante Jr. And it has nothing to do with movies or fame or interviews or anything.

Noah and I love you from a deep and special place in our hearts —

Through the bond of life ❤️

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Back at Cedars.

Strange stomach pains with really weird constipation…I’m normally constipated on a good day, but the last few days it’s been like a locked cement truck in there, even after lots of scoops of Miralax and chocolate xlax 🤔.

Hopefully it’s just stress…we’re all stressed right now, that’s for sure. 😢 🤞

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Weird bruising on my lower legs…

I have some weird bruising on my lower legs–I wore my long boots for the first time in awhile and I was sitting up at a friend’s house (first time I’ve seen a friend like that in over a year!) Do you think it could be related to the second vaccine I got on the 1st?

The bruises don’t hurt…I’ll see what they’re like tomorrow. I’ll go to Cedars on Monday and check my blood work to make sure everything is okay 🙂

I’m so relieved to have gotten both my shots…super super super relieved ❤️

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Omg this man needs to see a doctor **STAT**

Noah and I were coming home from golf today,

and I was telling Noah about this Aloe Vera/DMSO cream that I’ve been using on my lips.

[Back story my lips: Squamous Cell 2-3 years ago, last summer they started thickening weird, literally chunks of dead lip tissue will crack off. Biopsy came back for a bunch of different inflammatory conditions, technically one of them that can happen from an underlying squamous cell cancer, but technically the biopsy itself didn’t show cancer.]

Anyhow, so my lips have been getting worse and worse since last summer (ultrasound scheduled in a few days),

so I started this DMSO cream about two weeks ago based on the recommendation of a nurse I’ve had for years, in a kind of last chance desperate effort to turn my lips around —

[Multiple chapsticks, coconut oil, cod liver oil, even antibacterial ointment (thinking maybe an infection from mask wearing), nothing helped and my lips were continuing to get worse.]

We’re driving home, I was chatting with Noah about my lip improvement, how DMSO has been determined to be safe for human internal use based on the FDA’s approval for a bladder condition, that DMSO is a byproduct of the paper making process (so it comes from trees), and there has even been some scientific studies done about DMSO’s possible use for cancer treatment (nothing has been really confirmed yet but DMSO’s ability to penetrate through tissues make it an interesting vehicle to get drugs into tissues deeper),

And as I talked, I noticed the driver starting to perk up.

Noticing this, at first I started to talk louder and louder, to test if the driver was really interested in the conversation or not, and once I realized he was interested, I directly invited him into it,

“If you know anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer, you might want to tell them to explore DMSO and it’s possible use in the fight against cancer.”

Relieved I brought him in (some Uber drivers are traditional, and they don’t speak much unless you talk with them directly),

Happy to be included, he *instantly* points to his neck,

“Do you think the DMSO cream could help me with this?”

While still keeping his eyes on the road, he leans a little dramatically to the left, so I can get a better look under his right ear–

Since I’m blind as a bat, I half get out of my seat to lean in,


Reader, you know I’m not a doctor, and you know at best I have random bits of medical knowledge half hazardedly strung through years of my own pain and suffering,


Thankfully, he can’t look directly at my face because his eyes are on the road,

so I take a second to compose myself,

and I delicately squeak out,

“ummm…have you…maybe you might want to…to get a…biopsy of that?’

“BIOPSY?? Umph. Umph.”

Lightning bolt — his Billy MacKay like huffs and puffs catapulted me back six years ago,

“BIOPSY? Eeeeeeveryone is telling me to get a biopsy and eeeeeevery doctor is telling me to get a biopsy done too. I don’t want anyone cutting around on me.”

Breathe Tara…think Tara…you know this script. How can I find a way to help this man?

“Um, well, ya, the cream might help…sure, you should try it–”

He breathes a sign of relief. ‘She’s not going to be one of those that’s going to keep pushing me to get a biopsy I don’t want.’

“Um, ya…why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll text you the link to where I got the cream on Amazon.”

Getting personal phone number –> step one in getting into contact with him later.

Phone number?

He paused for a second, looking me up and down. I smiled my prettiest hidden under my mask innocent and bunny like smile I could muster.

“Uh, okay. It’s 818-xxx-xxxx”

Scrambling to enter into my phone as fast as possible,

Quick text “DMSO cream.”


“Okay I got it.”

Okay great…it’s his real number.

Some ramblings about the cream, ‘I keep my lips soaked in it all day long’,

Why my brain is ravaging itself –> how do I get this man into a doctor’s office??

We pull up in front of my apartment,

“Can I take a photo of your neck…to show my doctor?”

A little heavy there with the mention of the word doctor, but by now I’ve relaxed him by dropping the biopsy talk for the remainder of the ride, chatting about the cream,

he paused again,


And he patiently lets me take a few photos (and even a 5 second video).

“I’m going to send this to my doctor.”

I could tell he was little unnerved by that, but again, trying to plant a seed.

Back to chatting about the cream again,

My mouth: “Keep the cream in your car, use it all day long”

My brain: “PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR NOW. You must have a wife or children or friends or siblings who love you and would like to see your life extended by a few more months than it would be without medical treatment.

Noah and I exit the vehicle, the driver hands Noah his golf clubs, and we part ways.

As Noah and I walked up the stairs,

I told the little budding doctor,

“There are probably only going to be a few moments in your career as a doctor, when you look at something, and just by looking at it you know with 100% certainty what it is, even before any bloodwork or biopsies come back with results.”

We take a few steps up the stairs, and I turn (sadly) to watch the car disappear down the street,

and I’m 100% sure that is malignant melanoma Noah. That man needs medical care immediately to help extend his life. Most likely it’s already metasized, but with medical care doctors can maybe extend his life a few months longer than without medical care.

Noah asked why I was so sure it was malignant, and I gave him the laundry list of obvious melanoma symptoms,

Then a few hours later, I plotted with my doctor the different ways we can possibly help this man get the help he needs…tread carefully, speak softly, always receptive to criticism and concern,

this man needs a doctor, and I’m going to do everything I can to help him get in to see one.

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Elon Musk has cast doubt on the safety of the sec…

I can’t forgive Elon Musk for ignorant comments like this, questioning the safety of the second Covid shot.

He’s sociopathically ignoring the damage these kind of comments possibly have on people. Not everyone has billions of dollars to spend on state of the art medical care and medications like he can.

I hope his followers have more sense about their bodies and their health then he does.


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Near-death experiences! Nuff said!

I got chills reading this…

Closest thing that ever happened to me, was when I let go of the ropes too late when I was waterskiing when I was 16 years old, and I realized I was about to hit the dock…

What was amazing, was everything slowed down, like every moment was an eternity…I can still remember it like a slow motion scene in a movie,

letting go of the ropes,

realizing I was about to hit the dock 40+ miles an hour, then as I skated across the water at full speed, turning and seeing my mother standing up in horror, with her hands coming up to her face (all in slow motion), then turning back to face the dock and realizing, slowly and distinctly,

“I’m going to hit the dock and I’m going to die”,

then suddenly it was like a force from the heavens threw me aside,

and inside of hitting the dock head on,

I crashed to the left of it,

and as I feel into the water a long rusty metal pipe ripped the entire side of my chest, tearing through my life jacket and bathsuit, leaving me bleeding and swollen for a few weeks,

but I was okay…I couldn’t take a deep breath for a few days afterwards it hurt so bad, but I made it…

That entire experience was like every moment suddenly slowed down…it’s hard to explain, there was so much clarity in every moment even though in ‘real time’ it was probably all a fraction of a second—

Once I hit the water, time crashed back to normal and i could hear my mother screaming and yelling at me, and the boat spinning around to see if I was okay, everyone freaking out expecting me to have to rushed to the nearest hospital…

I’ve never had an experience like that since, that kind of slow motion clarity,

it definitely further demonstrates the brain does work in mysterious ways…

and there’s definitely a lot more to living and ‘being alive’ then we understand ❤️

On Mar 7, 2021, at 1:15 PM, wrote:

What do near-death experiences mean, and why do they fascinate us? | Society | The Guardian



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Breast MRI report: Feb 2021

Well…the good news is that it looks like my mass hasn’t gotten any bigger since August…

The bad news, is that they’re still using ‘breast’ and ‘mass’ in the same sentence 🤪.

Once I get my vaccine, and I qualify in the next group, I think I should move ahead with the surgery to be on the safe side, since I have such an extensive family history of breast cancer…

It’s going to be brutal and take a few weeks (months?) to recover, but I’m not doing much right now anyway because of Covid, and Noah will be with me still before he goes office for college…I’m not sure I can have a surgery like that and live alone (?)

Thanks again for everything 🙂 I’m hoping my brain MRI is stable, even though I’m still having these strange headaches…maybe the headaches are just stress (?)


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